Ma tanière… My den…

La vie de ma meute… My pack's life…

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Vous me manquez

J’en suis à ma deuxième semaine de désintox de twitter.
Jusque là, tout se passait bien, je n’avais pas de manque.

Mais aujourd’hui c’est vraiment difficile.
Je suis à 400 km de chez moi avec ma mère. On a visité un beau village, St Paul – anciennement « de Vence ».
Je suis crevé et je n’ai qu’une envie: rentrer chez moi.

Et ce soir, twitter me manque. Les câlins virtuels, les échanges, le soutien…
Tout d’un coup, je prends conscience que je n’ai plus de vos nouvelles – facebook n’est pas pratique avec son algorithme stupide – et que je n’échange qu’avec deux/trois personnes, même pas quotidiennement.
J’ai l’impression de ne plus exister – socialement, je veux dire.

Ce soir j’ai envie de relancer twitter juste pour avoir l’impression que je ne suis pas seule.
Et je ne suis pas sûre que ce soit le mieux. Peut-être que c’est mieux si je m’accroche et que je traverse ça, en espérant ne plus avoir  » besoin » des autres – juste apprécier les échanges quant il y en a.
Je ne sais pas si c’est possible.
Mais ce soir twitter me manque, vous me manquez.

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Réouverture du blog

Je n’allais pas bien, je n’arrivais plus à rien faire, je me noyais sur twitter pour remplir le vide, et le tout en boucle.
Hier j’ai pris la décision de couper twitter, pour quelques jours, une semaine, ou plus.
On verra bien.

Ceci dit, j’ai toutes ces idées saugrenues qui tournent dans ma tête et ce besoin de les poser quelque part – pas forcément pour qu’elles soient lues, juste pour qu’elles soient posées.
Alors je ré-ouvre ce blog.

Aujourd’hui j’ai pris 6 nouveaux portails Ingress, c’était la réalisation du jour.
Demain, reprise du travail, j’ai des projets d’écriture à finir.
Après, on verra bien ce que j’en ferais.

Je suis en plein questionnement sur ma vie, au sens large… ce serait tellement agréable si tout était simple…
Peut-être qu’on s’ennuierait.

J’ai envie de replonger dans mes rêves, les écrire peut-être, écrire cette vie qui existe ailleurs…

On verra bien…

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Some summer pics

Chester, cats, hedgehog, stand-up paddle etc.

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No psy? No problem!

I haven’t seen my psychiatrist since the 27th of January.
Last time I had to cancel because of trains being too late for me to make it, this time he cancelled.

I had a major melt-down in February of which he knows nothing.
I’m fairly certain there have been other things in the mean time… of which he knows nothing.

Besides for the papers to get my disability money (allowance?), why do I need him?
He has never asked for a blood test to check what the meds are doing to me, so it can’t be for that.
(And stopping those meds is hell in any condition, so I’m going to have to do it based upon my will and not upon whether my situation is stable – which I can’t see it being more than this)

So, yea, no psy? No problem!

Although we’re still looking for a closer one – this one’s two hours drive/train away – and who knows about autism *not from a psychanalitic view and knows adults can be on the « high end of the spectrum »*. Yea, in France, it’s kind of hard to find…

I take all good vibes…

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Effexor during pregnancy linked to autism?
I have no idea if this is true but I find it funny in a dark way that I got pregnant whilst taking effexor and when considering keeping the baby – I didn’t in the end – my psychiatrist told me it was better I stayed on the drug than going off it.
Would that, added to me being autistic, made me sure of having an autistic kid?
Maybe I’ll stay on venlafaxine (the effexor molecule) and decide to have a kid…
(This is dark, I know, but I sometimes think I’d be ok if my kid was like me. If I was to have a neurotypical child, I probably wouldn’t know what to do!)
P.S. Yes, I do intend on going off it at some point, the side effects are not nice and withdrawal symptoms are a nightmare…

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Facebook, seriously?

Ok, I’m already taking a break from Twitter* but Facebook is starting to loose interest: 1 I see less updates from friends and too many other random things, 2 the phone app is a nightmare.
Having a social life without having to go out is going to be even harder…
* too much complaining on there, a long list of all the bad stuff in the world, makes me feel down. And too many messages to keep track of. It’s all being too much.

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Stop. Twitter break.

(I know you got the allusion…)

So, I lost it again on twitter today.

On one side, my friend was telling me about his worries concerning me going to a seminar held by Mickaël Roads.
The thing is, I know he’s worried, but telling me how I’m being naive and lied to and wasting money because I believe this seminar can help me feel good can get annoying.
Especially when I feel he’s trying to convince me to « give up my believes » – I have dangerous believes: I believe there is more to the world than we can see. Yea, I might preach to people – I’ve never done it, but maybe – and I might die or kill for it – erm, no, never. (I am making it sound worse and sillier, you know that, it’s a blog article)

On the other side, someone was talking about cisgendered and transgendered people and having their periods. I had the stupidity to ask « can we then use « biological sex » instead of genders? » – I was talking about periods, I have that stupid notion that it’s females – biological sex – that have them, regardless of their genders.
You see, I consider myself a « genderqueer female ». I have no effing idea what genders are, I don’t recognise myself in the usual « woman » representation, but I do know that I can feel « feminine » or « masculine », it fluctuates.
(I tend to switch to « boy mode » around girls I like, spread legs included, but that’s definitely not the only time)
I understand there are biological sexes and genders, that people can be non-binary – I am – but I never studied everything about it.
I am willing to learn, though, but twitter isn’t the right place – try explaining this in 140 characters.
I got told to « go get fucked with [my] biological sex ».

I lost it.
I told twitter I was done with it and told it to « do a fucking survival manual for people willing to learn about cis/trans and sex/gender. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND! »
A nice person on twitter explained to me, kuddos to them for doing it and on such a format. If you read this, know you rock.

So, now I’m stuck: facebook drives me nuts with its new format – and we don’t chat on there anyway ; I don’t want to go back on twitter – I feel dumb, stupid, and like I took a door in my face ; that leaves me with dear old emails and skype to stay in touch with people.

I spend time on instagram too, looking at « boho » pictures …

I’ll still check mentions and DMs and I will go over to Facebook every so often. But I think it’ll do me good to stay away from all this for a while. (There goes my social life…)
Friends, you have my email – or you can ask for it.

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« Why is it not cool to call an autistic person “high functioning?” »

Original article on « that’s not what jesus is for ».

« there is no meaningful difference between Asperger’s and what’s known now as “classic autism.” »

Can we stop the segregation, now that’s been said !?! Yea, I’m « just » PDD-NOS, not asperger’s, so no one ever wants to know how I live or function, because, no, I’m not asperger’s. Can we just stop this?

« Whether or not an autistic person can communicate, go to college, live in their community, have friends, etc etc etc, has more to do with the people around them and how they are treated than anything else. »

There’s a lot of diversity in autism and autistic people. Some autistic people have savant skills. Most of us do not. Some autistic people don’t speak orally, but use their hands or a VOCA instead. The vast majority of us can speak, to some degree, although it’s by definition trickier for us. Over 90% of autistic people have symptoms of an anxiety disorder, depression, or PTSD due to living in a social environment that is often actively hostile. Over 90% of autistic people are unemployed, due to educational neglect, poverty, lack of supports, social issues, straight-up discrimination, or a million other reasons having nothing to do with actual ability. Different autistic people have different sensory and motor issues, different obsessions, and different difficulties in our day-to-day life, but, by definition, we all have all of these things.

You know what? It feels good to read this because it reassures me. I don’t work and it’s ok, it’s not because I don’t try hard enough to find « a job compatible with autism ».
Sometimes I think « but there are autistic people who work! » Yes, there are, they were lucky to find that job but it’s still ok I didn’t find one.
Yes, I still have times when I feel bad about being *who I am* but I’m learning on accepting and loving myself just the way I am. It takes a while, though, we’re not always told that we can just love ourselves the way we are.
I don’t know if cats would rather be dogs because it’s more normal…

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I haven’t disapeared

Or fallen off the face of the Earth, or been blown away by the strong winds.

I had *that* great idea, the one you think will be so great, but before that, that takes for ever to do.
I’ve decided that I was done playing in the small playground of blogs and that I wanted a website – still with wordpress, but self-hosted.
That was such a great idea when it was still in my head…
A couple of weeks later, not so much.

Granted, I disappeared before that, Bear, having broken his shoulder, was at home so we ended up doing things together and I tried to take breaks from the pc.
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